Black Dog Running

personal shit

I have this irrational dislike

of someone I’m in not unsubstantial amounts of contact with (soon likely to become more). And friends of mine are also friends of hers, and no one else seems to have this dislike.

And as far as I can tell it’s mostly irrational, and there are some reasons but they’re old, and I’m civil/friendly to her but on the inside I get…very easily irritated by her. And I do just suck up my irrational feelings, I know they’re irrational, but fuck it, she annoys me and I can’t tell if I’m being to sensitive or if there are actually reasons for it. And I’m worried our mutual friends can notice I don’t like her very much, and are either trying to fix that by bringing us together more, or really fucking oblivious.

also I don’t think I’m jealous. mostly.

feelings are hard.

23 April 2012 personal shit bagheist is bad at emotions and feelings are hard

Wearing this corset is like having a very firm hug. It’s….helping a lot at the moment, actually.

23 April 2012 personal shit

2 April 2012 personal shit



And to end a fantastic weekend on a depressing note.

not sure how I’m going to get to sleep tonight - I’ve spent the last two in a bed with Methrend and/or others, and fuck if being around other people I trust doesn’t help me sleep.

it’s just 3 more weeks. I just have to hold out that long.



And to end a fantastic weekend on a depressing note.

not sure how I’m going to get to sleep tonight - I’ve spent the last two in a bed with Methrend and/or others, and fuck if being around other people I trust doesn’t help me sleep.

it’s just 3 more weeks. I just have to hold out that long.

(via mothsjpg-currently-inactive)

12 March 2012 reblog: mothsjpg-currently-inactive personal shit watch me pathetically mope

I’d forgotten what it was like.

I just finished reading a short story written by someone I know. Can’t share it, I’m sorry, given that they’ve asked me not to, but. 

One of the characters is asexual. and there’s a bit where they’re talking to someone else about it, and. I. I just. I’d forgotten what it was like to have someone like me in a story. Someone who’s not positioned as “broken/sick/traumatised/devout/pure/repressed/etc”. 

There’s another bit where they come out to one of their friends, and the friend laughs because they think they’re joking. and fuck if that hasn’t stirred up some feelings. (Protip: don’t laugh and tell someone “Good joke, though I don’t think most people will get it” or “I thought you were doing it to be ironic”)

and I’m missing S, and feeling kinda meh (would be terrible but I’m talking to a friend, and sharing clothing porn with him so) and I’m in pain because the blister on my foot burst with blood and pus and grossness, my wrist is like someone has pulled it off, my lower back hurts because that seems to be just what it does now and my shoulders hurt because lower back pain = weird coping position = pain, and goddamn I just want to curl into a ball for a bit.

and basically my mood has just gone down hill since I left uni.

29 February 2012 personal shit goddamn fuck this I don't want this to get bad and the freind I'm talking to has no idea I'm feeling this way because of reasons

An Issue in Sherlock That Annoys Me and Why






Just some thoughts about perspectives on intelligence in Sherlock. I get the feeling this will be a long post, so I’m going to stick it under a Read More so I don’t inflict it on all of you. Still, I think it might be interesting, so….

Read More

I love everything about this post, to the point that I’m exhausted from reading it. Shipwash: the little girl who was able to run rings around her entire school but threw screaming fits and threw herself on the floor when she wasn’t able to tie her shoes by the age of eight, ride a bike by age ten, make a bed by age eleven, write her own address by age thirteen, or drive on a two-lane road by nineteen.

I’m glad I read this.  It makes me feelings.  For what it’s worth, I didn’t learn to ride a bike until I was in middleschool, I still don’t make my bed and when I do it’s sloppy, my handwriting is god awful, I fold clothes like an ape, and two lane streets make me nervous.

Such is life.

Hi, I’m the kid from your last paragraph - drugs was the only way I could get my brain to STFU for once. God, it was amazing, not thinking of anything. Not having the world whipping round my head. And… addiction. So much less sexy than the movies. I didn’t do it for euphoria, I did it for the quiet. (This is why I pegged Sherlock as a morphine/heroin junkie than a speed/cocaine junkie. Uppers make your brain race, depressants make it quiet.) 

Well, that was like reading my entire life summed up in one article

I’m not a genius. I’m not one of those kids who got sent to schools for the gifted, or whatever they’re called. But I was the kid who protested against reading any of my primary school books up to grade 4 because they were too easy. In year one, I was the kid who couldn’t even write my name without help, but could explain what Shakespeare was saying (and translate it into modern English). I was the kid who found logical fallacies in the bible in preschool, but couldn’t understand why people got upset at me pointing them out. I was the kid who read 12 books in the same time the rest of my class read 2, and I was the one who turned that assignment in late because I forgot I had it.

I’m still the person who has illegible handwriting. I rarely make my bed. I hate people pointing out my deficiencies. I’m easily distracted, and I have an instinctive expectation that I won’t get help if I ask for it, because I was always told “You should know this/it’s easy/figure it out yourself, you’re a bright girl”.

My thing is books, and facts. I fill my head with them, because otherwise the world gets too loud. It still does, sometimes.

(Source: shu-of-the-wind, via tentaclestestified)

19 January 2012 reblog: shu-of-the-wind personal shit woe also the expectation my amily had of me getting good grades was... very high yet I didn't because I honsetly didn't really give a damn and still kinda don't which is bad because I want to do honorary because I want to do honours

it is nearly 2 am and I am being irrational

but oh god what if my parents don’t like his for whatever reason? or the other way around? or if they out me accidentally or let it slip that I sleep in his room and usually bare chested/in “suspicious” circumstances (we are not exactly the model of discretion at yours my dear S). Or a million other things that could go wrong. I am actually half seriously contemplating what happens if it floods and my parents get stuck there and then they start bonding with his and then it comes out that I have been somewhat stretching the truth these past few months re:sex, our relationship and where I sleep, also those times S was here and probably shouldn’t have been.

I mean, the only thing that would change would be how pissed my parents are at me but still and oh fuck this whole meeting the family thing is so fucking nerve wracking this is why it has never happened before for me because well see my ex’s.


29 December 2011 personal shit excuse me while I freak out irrationally oh god jesus fuck christ

warning: personal shit

so tonight at the christmas dinner it was just my family (mum,dad, brother) and my cousins (aunt, cousin one, cousin two) and cousin one’s boyfriend.

and I was doing so fucking well until she kissed him and the sat there being all together and able to fucking hug each other and I haven’t even seen S in ~2 weeks and all I could do was sit there and be so bloody jealous and try not to cry because they’ve been “together” for a shorter time than me and S “have” (quotes because what the fuck does that even mean, people are not contracts or calendars) yet he’s allowed to come to this family christmas thing yet S can’t (not because he can’t make it - if he couldn’t male it it would be a different issue)

and it feels like there’s a ball of knotted barbed wire sitting just below the base of my neck, wrapping around my spine and I want to claw and tear at my skin to get it out but i won’t because I promised I wouldn’t do that any more but it hurts and I want it gone and fuck I /know/ it’s psychosomatic but that doesn’t stop it feeling wrongwrongwrong

and I have to act like everything’s fine and dandy, like I’m not missing a part of me which is too far away and text isn’t enough.

29th can’t come soon enough.

25 December 2011 personal shit

Ok, sorry, you know I tend to talk at length if I’m interested in a topic or feeling awkward(if I can fill the silence with words maybe someone will goddamn respond and it won’t be awkward) and tonight I was both but that’s cool mum, make fun of that.

Also, I only talked so much because you and dad and small child wouldn’t fucking answer any of my questions or goddamn respond to anything I said.

Excuse me while I’m self conscious about fucking talking for the next month or so.

19 December 2011 personal shit this is why I can't have nice things

what the fuck

Mother storms in, demands to know if I have nail polish, gets shitty when I answer with “a little”, then gets shitty when I only have grey and sparkely, huffing about how “it needs to be red”, then storms out, slamming the door behind her

26 November 2011 that was fucking weird I'm too tired for this shit if you want red nail polish fucking BUY YOUR OWN personal shit